Wednesday, August 6, 2014


Marketing and its evil twin Advertising have changed very little. Every product you’re pitched is still amazing and incredible. And you better act now because, you know, this is a limited time offer.

Will this infantile practice of unabated hyperbole continue until the Sun swallows the Earth? Do marketers believe all consumers have the intellectual capacity of cole slaw? It’s window cleaner, for Chrissakes- there nothing incredible about it. Want to know what’s incredible?? A young spider can weave a web without any instruction- that’s amazing. A Ford Dealership’s sleazy “Blowout Sales Event” is not amazing though the dealer’s owner insisting he be front and center for the camera is. He looks like he just traded in his mother for a newer model.

Nothing has changed in the way companies pitch products and services. Television has remote controls and DVRs so I rarely see any ad for more than a few seconds. I’m stuck with it on the internet- though the click-through rate on internet ads stands at a steady 0.0000000000000000000001%. Don’t get me wrong, that internet ad that says I can lose 40 lbs in my sleep tonight seems legit. At least television’s only crime is their abject obnoxiousness. The internet just flat out lies in their efforts;The Ad That Wouldn’t Go Away on the internet stated: “This 57 year old woman looks 25!”. On the left was a woman who purchased the aging cream. She looks like she's about 104 and wears an expression of unmitigated misery. On the right is the very same woman after applying the cream. She looks about 18 and is very happy she clicked on the internet ad that led to this purchase.

When anointed Benevolent King of Earth, here’s the rules on Advertising. Tell me what the product is. Tell me why I might want to buy it. Tell me every effort has been made to make the product something of value and I might want to buy. Add a little class- maybe something artistic. Music can be good. Hire someone who is clearly funny and make me laugh. Don’t tell me I better hurry or I need to Act Now. I would have already bought it if I needed it.

I’ll deny it to my death, but I just clicked on an ad that promises untold wealth without any type of effort or work. Appears to be a no-brainer. Gave them my credit card number, my social security number, my cell phone number and a promise to let them garnish all my future wages until I expire.

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